THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

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Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.


5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh


nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars


me: would not recommend


Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?


Watch as i slowly pull my shirt up over – wait, stuck in the too-small neckhole…struggling…
Okay, dont watch.


3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard