@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

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@Parkerlawyer

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

@dieworkwear

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

@CorkyKneivel

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

@AndrewNadeau0

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

@badAzz_mom

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

@jonnysun

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

@Holy_Mowgli

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

@FredTaming

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron