Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
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5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
me: would not recommend
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Watch as i slowly pull my shirt up over – wait, stuck in the too-small neckhole…struggling…
Okay, dont watch.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard