therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
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Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers