therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
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kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Meow
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
It will always be this
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.