My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
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I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
True statement👍😏😁
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it