Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
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Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Holy moly
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
WHY would you be happy about this?
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.