@david8hughes

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

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@matt___nelson

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

@therichards5

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

@david8hughes

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

@CharmandBrains

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

@BoogTweets

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

@iwearaonesie

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

@squirrel74wkgn

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

@CruisinSoozan

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

@CornOnTheGoblin

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?