Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
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bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Wednesday
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?