@captainkalvis

Therapist: what would you say is your biggest fear

Me: chameleon bears

Therapist: but those don’t even exist

Me: *looking around nervously* how could anyone know

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@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

@Reverend_Scott

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

@radtoria

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

@YSylon

Am I the only one who whispers “Get a job” into the baby monitor?

@OneWonderWoman

A facebook friend posted, “I’m not ashamed of Jesus.” It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, “Uh oh. What did he do now?”

@dksc4life

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

@Smug_Lemur

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

@david8hughes

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water