THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Therapist: what would you say is your biggest fear
Me: chameleon bears
Therapist: but those don’t even exist
Me: *looking around nervously* how could anyone know
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God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
All of Canada’s hate is stored in its geese.
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
Am I the only one who whispers “Get a job” into the baby monitor?
A facebook friend posted, “I’m not ashamed of Jesus.” It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, “Uh oh. What did he do now?”
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Son: no what lives in the tank