Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
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The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
One venti cheeseburger please.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.