Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

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If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.


Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.


I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.


If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.


Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.


My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”


I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.