THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
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[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”