You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Unless you work in the alzheimer’s wing of a nursing home, then you get lots.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
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*walks seductively up to table*
Me: Come on baby. Just one more time.
Him: Lady, I’m not giving you any more cheese samples.
God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked “Earth”. The avocado drops out of his sandwich.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
People say you can be anything you want to be.
That’s bullshit because I really want to be asleep
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!