therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
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Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes