therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

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Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.


8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?


Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.


Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.


Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?


Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas


My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken


I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.