THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
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If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
life finds a way
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.