THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
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So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.