@ericsshadow

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

You Might Also Like

@LizHackett

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

@TheTweetOfGod

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

@seancehat

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

@CruisinSoozan

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

@joshbupkes

Speed was unrealistic because nobody riding a bus wants to live

@dumbbeezie

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

@thejessbess

(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?

@Mr_Kapowski

My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid

Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we’re born

8 y/o daughter:

Wife: ZACK!