Okay well, good work I guess guys.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
You Might Also Like
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.
Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Speed was unrealistic because nobody riding a bus wants to live
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?
My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid
Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we’re born
8 y/o daughter: