THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
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9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?