Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
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I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.