Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
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The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I think we should hear other voices.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
was Jim off killing horses or…
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises