Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
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Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime