@Skoog

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

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@markhoppus

I hooked my fidget spinner up to my vape pen and The Millennials crowned me King of Avocado Toast

@AlanFelyk

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

@WittySassBasket

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

@zachreinert03

Reporter got asked about any survivors of a plane crash & said ‘its up in the air’. Dude if it was up in the air we wouldn’t be in this mess

@LostFelicia

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

@TheHyyyype

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

@coalslag

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

@LeviathanPride

Why did the US invade Iraq when Steven Seagal’s ponytail contains 85% of the worlds natural resources?