therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
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Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?