“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Born to be mild.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?