Therapist: what’s your problem today?

Me: I have this constant eye roll.

Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.

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McDonalds should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.


Vanilla body wash…. smells amazing…. tastes like shit. Someone needs to figure that out.


[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.


Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”

Girl: “Abroad”

Me: “I also come from a woman”


“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.


I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.


Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry


Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut


[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?


“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.