@gaynorlsimpson

Therapist: what’s your problem today?

Me: I have this constant eye roll.

Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.

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@JoshVeyssi

McDonalds should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.

@sanbay

Vanilla body wash…. smells amazing…. tastes like shit. Someone needs to figure that out.

@MonkeyHeadNeb

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

@Ochie2S

Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”

Girl: “Abroad”

Me: “I also come from a woman”

@MattMcC1

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

@DurtMcHurtt

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

@LlamaInaTux

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

@UncleDuke1969

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.