Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
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ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.