@stephenjmolloy

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

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@iinkedZombie

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

@theDanLawler

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

@Spaziotwat

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

@flashember

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

@copymama

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

@rebrafsim

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

@ShutUpThatsWho

*job interview*
Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?
*pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers*
I want to help people

@mikefossey

cant afford an MRI so im just going to get in the dryer with all my fridge magnets and have my friend stand outside it and write down all the sounds i make

@meganamram

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read