Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

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Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams


4yo doctor visit:

Doc: no more than 30 mins for 4yo on the iPad. I’d rather he play with mud.

Me: ..

Me: where do u download mud?


*suddenly awakes*
honey! i just had a nightmare that i was naked at a job interview, licking BBQ sauce off the guy’s face

interviewer: ummm


Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.

-the local news


3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.


At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners


Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?


Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine