Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
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My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.