therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
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[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
“i miss shittin on people”
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks