Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
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Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
how high up are we talkin’?
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human