THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
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You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house