@roxiqt

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

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@IamJackBoot

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

@Freak0nIine

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

@lilgapeach30

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.

@Parkerlawyer

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

@jackmackenroth

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

@T_Bonezzz_

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

@SnarkyMommy78

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

@AmishPornStar1

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.