THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week


ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

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If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.


I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.


Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.


At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.


Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.


Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you


My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.


Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.