My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
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Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about this caption.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
the cashier at Petsmart just told me I smell really good which would be a compliment if my competition wasn’t a bunch of dogs and gerbils
How the button came off my shirt.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
God: you’re a giraffe.
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Wears a black shirt to a first dates house to see if shes lying about having cats