therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

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My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.


Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster


There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about this caption.


i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything


the cashier at Petsmart just told me I smell really good which would be a compliment if my competition wasn’t a bunch of dogs and gerbils


God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.


Giraffe: feels like 72 : )


Wears a black shirt to a first dates house to see if shes lying about having cats