therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

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I thought I found my soul mate for a minute there, but he was just a pervert on the internet.

*runs after him


I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.

“Making breakfast. ;)”
“Walking the dog. ;)”
“Broke in to your house ;)”


I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago


Me: *holding a frying pan*

Brain: hit someone with it


Brain: DO IT! It’ll go BONG!


*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.


I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.


That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.


*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*


If the new Instagram logo makes you upset, wait until you hear about child soldiers in central Africa.