therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
You Might Also Like
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Before & after 😅
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!