While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Therapist: You need to focus on setting healthy boundaries.
*puts broccoli around perimeter of donut box*
*eats 12 donuts*
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If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
[on Dating Game]
HER: Contestant 1, what are you wearing?
[I glance at the stains on my shirt]
ME: *lips on mic* Looks like gravy, Diane.