Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
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what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Not today
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.