Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
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[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Finished stitching this today 😇
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Where’s my employee discount too?
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.