Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
You Might Also Like
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Husband: What are you watching?
Me: *names any show* wanna watch?
Husband: Ugh, no thanks.
*plot twist on show*
Husband from other room: OMG WHAT?!?
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet, but there’s an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I’ve won & the number of Ipads I own.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.
Beer Fan : Budweiser?