@Izianikapani
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
@UnFitz
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
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@Izianikapani
@SortaBad
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
@Tmoney68
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
@junejuly12
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
@ThisOneSayz
Husband: What are you watching?
Me: *names any show* wanna watch?
Husband: Ugh, no thanks.
*plot twist on show*
Husband from other room: OMG WHAT?!?
@Sugar_Pac
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet, but there’s an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I’ve won & the number of Ipads I own.
@Shade510
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
@LlamaInaTux
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
@mrtruthandsoul
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
@BreachingBad
Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.
Beer Fan : Budweiser?