Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

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Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.


Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car


I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.


5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.


Husband: What are you watching?

Me: *names any show* wanna watch?

Husband: Ugh, no thanks.

*plot twist on show*

Husband from other room: OMG WHAT?!?


I’m not saying don’t trust the internet, but there’s an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I’ve won & the number of Ipads I own.


Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.


[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant


Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)


Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.

Beer Fan : Budweiser?