March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
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A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
No chill.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.