therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
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*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me