THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
You Might Also Like
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
bout dat hot dog summer
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.