Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
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5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!