middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
You Might Also Like
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult