Therapist: Your unhealthy attachment style is preventing you from developing normal relationships
Me: What do you mean, babe?

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The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH


My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”


Some cats just sit there looking at you like you owe them money.


i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!


Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”


me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak


My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.


My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.


A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.


Chivalry died the same time you stopped being a lady, honey.