THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
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*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
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[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please