@MattTheBrand

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

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@prufrockluvsong

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

@KThonvold

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

@Token_Geezer

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

@SteveKoehler22

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

@iMikosnyc

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

@notstevenwhite

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

@pittdave13

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point