therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.