[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
me: WHAT IF
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
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Just finished my book about how to get laid at bars. It’s called The Girl With the Lower-Back Tattoo.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Ghost me would do the same stuff as alive me.
Howl. Wander. Stand in front of the fridge and stare at all the food I’m not allowed to eat.
Me: Another nightmare?
M: You were yelling “Dora the Explorer help! No Swiper, no!”
M: Maybe lay off the cartoons, bruh.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share