[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
me: WHAT IF
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
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ME EVERY WEEK OF SCHOOL
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.
Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.