THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
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So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Some people were born into their job.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.