Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
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Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Who called it baking and not making love
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do