saw this in a dream
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I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Are you ok, human???
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
My inexpensive home security system…
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.