therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
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Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
shit, they caught us—run!!!
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???