[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

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When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.


Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I’d like to steal from a bank.


I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.


No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.


Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*


Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.


I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.