[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
You Might Also Like
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
My kitchen overserved me.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”