[alien in starbucks to make a cash withdrawal]
well, the name is misleading tbh
he speaks in typos
EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA!
ok maybe we should take 5
You Might Also Like
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle 🙁
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
“911? Yes I need to report an incident”
“What is it mam?”
“THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE!”
“Getting real tired of this crap, Alicia.”
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct.