Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
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me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.