@panmidwest

THERAPIST:
what’s wrong?

WIFE:
he speaks in typos

ME:
EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA!

THERAPIST:
ok maybe we should take 5

ME:
food idea

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@trojansauce

[alien in starbucks to make a cash withdrawal]

well, the name is misleading tbh

@MrFjayy

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

@trevso_electric

I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle ūüôĀ

@Lisabug74

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

@Dawn_M_

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

@ilovepie84

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

@EJGomez

“911? Yes I need to report an incident”

“What is it mam?”

“THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE!”

“Getting real tired of this crap, Alicia.”

@jellybnbonanza

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

@GrantTanaka

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

@nerdreign

Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct.