Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
You Might Also Like
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
The Friday File.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.