[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
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“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.