[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
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*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I feel attacked.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY