[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
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Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My current situation
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.