ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

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CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap


I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.


I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad


“People want to feel special.. they’ll buy sugary piss in a bottle as long as it has their name on it.” – Executives at Coke


Him: I’m so glad your mine.

Me: *eyes fill with tears* It’s you’re.


[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.


Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day