Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: When’s dad’s birthday?

Me: June 28

8: 2000 what?

Me: You mean 19…1984

8: 19? WOW

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.