[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
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Hero horse inspires millions
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Yes
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.