[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
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my name is luke but my friends dont call me
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.