Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

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I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.


never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around


Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?


‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place


If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy


When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I’m saying


You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.


LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th?
ME: alibi school
LAWYER: can u prove this?
ME: wait, the 13th?
ME: k no I was murdering that day