[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
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My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
How all things should be taught/explained.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do